Latest news - it is 2009 and the notes on this website go back to around 1994. They are still valid but we now have a much more up to date website devoted just to Relationships and relationship issues. There you will find all these pages (updated) plus many more new articles, new worksheets and more explanations and new pages are being added every week.
Can I suggest that you go to http://www.healing-relationships.growingaware.com to see our latest relationship information.
How to stop a
Bonding pattern after it has started
Body sensations and feelings (red warning lights)
However, once you learn to tune in to the warnings from your body you can do something
to stop the overheating early in the life of the pattern. That is you can halt
whatever your primary self is doing or saying to keep the fight going. How can you do this
3. Its better if you can remain present and acknowledge the pattern verbally (again doing this quietly and with the least intensity possible) but this takes more awareness and more practice. If you cant do this for a start it helps, as you leave, to assure the other person that you are only going temporarily and intend to return as soon as the pattern energy in you has subsided.
4. If you are able to stay, you might say to yourself (or out loud) "I am in a bonding pattern." and leave it at that. Being aware and not talking about it stops the pattern. But if you try to analyse the pattern at that point you will probably get back into it again or start a new one involving the two logical mind selves.
5. You can talk openly about your own underlying vulnerability, "I am feeling afraid and sad" because you are then describing what your selves aere doing during your half of the pattern. You will only be able to acknowledge this when your have an inner parent or aware ego strong enough to do this. It is however the best of all the ways to stop bonding patterns. Even better is to then acknowledge that the other person will be feeling vulnerable too since this will help them to pull out of the pattern as well. For a further explanation see Underlying vulnerability
6. Afterwards chart the pattern as a diagram to help you see what was going on. The more you can see what was happening and the more aware you are of the vulnerability behind it, the less chance of of it happening again.
7. If the problem persists see a relationship councillor. If you haven't been able to stop the pattern yourselves by this time, you can at least become aware that there is little chance of succeeding without outside help. Not being able to stop the patterns may be a sign of enmeshment.
Long term negative bonding - enmeshment
GROWING AWARENESS trainers, counsellors, facilitators and experts on bonding patterns include:
Chermside Aspley Bald Hills 3261 3882 John Nutting (BA
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