Latest news - it is 2009 and the notes on this website go back to around 1994. They are still valid but we now have a much more up to date website devoted just to Relationships and relationship issues. There you will find all these pages (updated) plus many more new articles, new worksheets and more explanations and new pages are being added every week.
Can I suggest that you go to http://www.healing-relationships.growingaware.com to see our latest relationship information.
Negative Bonding - Case Studies
The rescuer and the bird with the broken wing
Setting the scene
The rescuer self presents an image of strength, self-confidence and the ability to overcome problems, typical of a one-above self. The wounded damsel in distress or bird with the broken wing self on the other hand characteristically has much to say about how helpless or disadvantaged he or she is. When they meet, this sets the scene for a rapid connection, since the one-below bird is in need of the very things the rescuer is able to provide and is more than willing to express gratitude and abundant appreciation in return.
The relationship typically moves forward very quickly, driven by the obvious neediness of the bird, and the over-eagerness of the rescuer to help. Its beautiful to watch (at first) but one of the clues to future problems is the absolute absence of any kind of conflict or anger about even the most irritating things either person does, things that would normally create an understandable reaction in a healthy relationship. Not all bonding patterns are negative and not all are over in a few hours. Positive bonding patterns like this one can continue for months or years.
Meanwhile, behind the curtain ...
Like all of us, Jims inner child will be looking for opportunities to resolve these old issues and like most of us, his inner selves, particularly his rescuer self, mistakenly to do this is by sorting out other peoples problems so well that they will tell his inner child that he is at last worthwhile and a success as a rescuer.
As your awareness grows you will discover, or may already have discovered, things dont work out this way, but the rescuer self does not have this awareness.
Underlying vulnerability issues (I forgot to tell you about ...)
Meanwhile the bird with the broken wing also has underlying issues that are far from obvious. Lets say that the wounded bird whose name is Arial has always been troubled by feelings of being controlled by others and expresses this by depicting herself as weak, helpless and damaged as a result of being controlled in this way. Arials wounded bird self also describes her as having lost the power to fly, to the delight of Jims rescuer who knows he can restore her flying self again and thereby gain the appreciation he is looking for.
He didnt mention it to Arial but Jims rescuer is also troubled by his underlying fear of being abandoned and has become rather attached to her. The rescuer plans to keep her close to him forever after she has regained her strength so she can fly around him in circles, appreciating him every day for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, this does not fit in with Arials long term plans, which her wounded bird self forgot to mention to Jim when they got together. Since her vulnerability issues are about being controlled by others, her primary aim is to break free from that control. Once she can fly again (thanks to Jims rescuer) what she really wants to do is to fly faster and further from control than ever before.
At some time these issues have to surface since the they represent the most important reasons behind the positive bonding pattern. (Lets be honest, its not really a relationship.) For the selves running each side of the bonding, nothing else is as important.
Its at this moment that all the hidden resentment surfaces. Jim will be triggered into pain and will be hurt if Arial wants to fly away. That will trigger Arials anger because she feels he is trying to control her.
A POSITIVE BONDING PATTERN SWITCHING TO NEGATIVE
Trying to 'solve' the bonding pattern by escaping from it
In this climate there is no room for the essential elements of adult-to-adult linkage to develop. Instead two primary selves who initially danced rather well together and complemented each others needs, have managed to get together into a bonding pattern which is doomed to fail. It switches to a negative bonding when one partner stops being appreciative daughter and loops into critical parent, throwing the rescuer into a child energy state, as one of his inner selves gets upset about what one of her inner selves is doing to him.
Negative Bonding Case Study B -
Watch the non-verbal energies
It aint what you say ... its the way you say it, by sixty to ninety percent.
Learning United States History can be fun. Try incorporating fun activities for kids with social studies. Try using fun coloring pages to grab their attention. Make learning interesting again!
GROWING AWARENESS trainers, counsellors, facilitators and experts on bonding patterns include:
Chermside Aspley Bald Hills 3261 3882 John Nutting (BA
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